


Just Some Earthlings Out Here In Space

by TheBigBlackHat



Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: Gen, Humor, Mark is a total dork, Plant rescue, Random & Short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 16:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5547077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBigBlackHat/pseuds/TheBigBlackHat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short, funny, non-chronological one-shots for The Martian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Little Space Plant that Could

**Author's Note:**

> Mark is trying to save a plant that is isn't doing well, and it goes about how you would imagine.

Mark stood in his lab on the Hermes, bent over a dying vine and wearing a cajoling expression.  
"C'mon little guy! You can do this!"  
Mark sighed.  
"I know the crew didn't treat you well; that's kinda obvious, since you're dying, but I promise you they tried their best. It's just that not everyone can handle botany in space."  
He smirked.   
"And there's people like Beck, who can't even handle that sad little cactus I gave him back on Earth. Don't get me wrong, Beck's great at keeping people alive, but he can kill any plant within a ten foot radius."  
"Seriously, it's like a superpower or something."  
"Dr. Chris Beck, secret identity: Black Thumb!" Mark proclaimed, striking a ridiculous pose.  
He grinned a little sheepishly at the vine.  
"You know, 'cuz opposite of green thumb would be black thumb, and so...yeah, you probably don't appreciate that right now, little guy. Never mind."  
"Anyways, back on topic: I survived over a year on Mars just to get back to you. So you do not get to do this to me now!"  
Little guy, the aforementioned vine, didn't respond to Mark's encouragement. If anything, it seemed to droop and shrivel up a little more.  
Mark threw up his hands in mock-exasperation and walked over to start tending to the rest of the plants.   
"You know, the potato plants had it way worse than you do! At least you weren't stuck listening 24/7 to that awful disco music!"  
He snagged the watering can and started sprinkling the plants.  
"Plants grow better listening to disco music, my ass," he muttered.  
"Worst third grade science project ever."


	2. Bright Blue and Huge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martinez tries to play a prank on the crew at breakfast and the crew ends up pranking him.

"Damn. I didn't even know we could take these as personal items," Martinez commented, pondering the bright blue object he was holding rather gingerly.  
"Oh, I read it," Vogel replied, deadpan as always. "It was most definitely on the forms."  
Lewis grimaced. "They phrased it a little differently there."  
"How did you even find it?" Beck asked, a tiny glimmer of mischief showing in his eyes. "I would think Mark would've hidden it away pretty well."  
"It was in his bunk," Martinez muttered, his face turning deep red.  
"...Right," Beck drawled, eyebrows raised.  
"Bro, Beck! I'm serious! You know I'm sleeping in Watney's place since the heating in my bunk went apeshit!"  
"And Mark just left it in his bunk, huh? You didn't go looking through his stuff to find it?"  
Martinez's expression turned desperate. "Oh, come on! No way would I do that. I've got more respect than that!"  
He turned to face the rest of the crew. "Y'all can vouch for me, right? Someone? Anyone?"  
Vogel pretended to be perusing the assortment of coffee in the Hermes kitchen.  
Johanssen muttered a muffled "Serves you right, Martinez" from where she sat dozing in a chair.  
Lewis gave him a look that clearly told him he was on his own.  
Martinez sighed. "Man, y'all are a bunch of traitors. I miss Watney, the little shit. He woulda backed me up."  
"Seriously though," he said, turning back to Beck. "I swear I didn't do it."  
Beck looked like the cat that ate the canary. "Right. Like this all wasn't completely on purpose."  
Martinez sighed again and started walking toward the doorway.  
"C'mon Martinez, we knew what you were trying to do; you're a classic shock jock."  
He could hear a variety colorful Spanish as Martinez climbed up the ladder.  
Beck grinned and yelled out to him, "You know, if you're really that adamant, we could always just ask Watney if he left his bright blue dildo laying out the next time we message him."  
A distant "Fuck you, Beck," floated back to him.  
Beck laughed and turned to face the gathered crew, where Lewis and Vogel were fighting smiles and Johanssen was clutching at her sides.  
"Does Martinez know we knew it was his though?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for this idea goes to "Why is It Orange?", a Harry Potter fic of the same nature.  
> Dedicated to Martinez's comments to the NASA shrink after the ten day isolation period during training. (You can find that in a video titled The Right Stuff in the ARES:live archive on YouTube)

**Author's Note:**

> I love the thought of all these little kids doing science projects on whether potatoes grow better listening to disco music.


End file.
